Last week, my wife and I celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary. God has blessed us with a wonderful marriage that is still just as physically exciting now (and even more in some ways!) that when we first married.

In our day and age, it is important that the church present an effective witness to the Biblical perspective on human sexuality; otherwise, cultural and secular secular views will prevail. Unfortunately, the church in contemporary America has not generally done a good job in this arena during the last half of the 20th century, and into the 21st century. Consider what the understanding of a typical youth in America will be on human sexuality, if his/her parents are silent and they hear nothing from the church:

- Their understanding of sex is drawn from pop culture, television, MTV and movies, popular songs on the radio, and Madison Avenue advertising.
- They are often exposed to a secular education that increasingly promotes alternative sexual lifestyles (condemned in Scripture) as acceptable.
- Their peers in school, right or wrong, are a source of information.
- The icons of a younger generation (i.e., Britney Spears, Janet Jackson, etc.) promote the flaunting of sexuality.
- Condoms are readily available to young teens, provided even by some schools
- Our society even tries to remove the consequences of illegitimate sex. In a country where a 13-year girl old cannot have her ears pierced without parental permission, she has the right to an abortion without the parents even knowing about it.

In our culture thoroughly saturated with sexual images and bombarded with sexual innuendo, young people are prone to come to one of two conclusions on their own: (1st) Either they accept the popular notion that sex is free and the more you get both in terms of multiple sexual partners and alternative lifestyles in the sense of anything goes, the better - Or - (2nd) sensing that the first view is not right and rightly observing the inevitable devastating effects of “free sex”, they may then wrongly conclude that sex must somehow be inherently sinful and more to be tolerated as a “necessary evil” rather than embraced as a blessing.

Both views are wrong. We can forfeit the blessings that result from living life as God designed it. We can forfeit the moral freedom God intends for us, and instead become enslaved to degrading passions (2 Pet. 2:19). Nowhere is this more true than in our sexual behavior.

With that background, I offer ten misconceptions held by unbelievers and Christians alike:

Misconception #1) Sex is only a physical act
Scripture is clear that sex is not only the physical union of a man and woman, but also the spiritual joining of the two (1 Cor 6:16-17). In the Bible’s strongest statement about sexual desire, Jesus cuts to the heart of the matter (Matthew 5:27-28). Jesus remarkably affirms that sexual desire affects the inside of a person (“in his heart”) whether or not anything takes place externally. Sexual intimacy between a man and a woman is the physical expression of a spiritual union that occurs between them; this is why Jesus takes the position that divorce is not tenable option (Matthew 19:4-6). A married couple may divorce relatively easily in the eyes of the law, but the spiritual union between them is not so easily dissolved. Sexual relations inevitably and fundamentally alter the relationship between a man and a woman. After this most intimate of acts and communication that can occur between two people, the two will never look at each other, or be able to think about one another the same way again.

Misconception #2) “Consenting adults” is a reliable guide to whether something is appropriate
Such a position naively assumes that an adult will always want to do what is right and fails to understand the Biblical truth that all of us are sinners by nature, prone to do what is wrong (Rom 3:10-12; 3:23). By way of practical illustration, a man and a woman may want very much to commit adultery with each other, but their mutual consent, of course, does not validate the act. Because we are sinners by nature, the only true infallible guide as to whether something is wrong or right, is the revealed truth within Scripture, not our own judgement or assessment (Ps 119:9, 101-104, 105-106, 150-151, 155; Rom 7:7).

Misconception #3) “If it feels good, it must be right”
This is related to the 2nd misconception. Scripture affirms that sin is often pleasurable. That is precisely why it is so attractive. Note the reference to sinners as “lovers of pleasure” in 2 Tim 3:4 and the passing reference to the allure of the “passing pleasures of sin” in Heb 11:25. By way of analogy, the heroin user ingests the drug for the fleeting pleasure it provides – all the while slowly destroying himself. This, of course, does not mean that sex should not pleasurable. It can (and should) be an immensely pleasurable act. The point is that it is foolish to believe the moral correctness of an act is indicated by whether it imparts pleasure.

Misconception #4) Sex inevitably becomes boring with familiarity (i.e., “the honeymoon is over”)
Nothing is further from the truth! (Prov 5:18-19) In fact, the opposite is true: because sex is the intimate physical expression of the spiritual union between a husband and a wife, the sexual experience can and should actually intensify in pleasure through the years as the bond between the two of them deepens over time. The sexual experience between a husband and wife can (and should!) actually be far more powerful and intense decades after marriage than at the start of the marriage.

Misconception #5) The primary factor in a fulfilling sexual experience is physical attraction
This is closely related to the 4th misconception. While of course, physical attraction is an important aspect of the sexual experience, it is not the most important. Most men know all too well that while physical attraction can be a powerful catalyst for sexual attraction, it ultimately is not the determining factor for how satisfying a sexual experience can be. It is a tragic mistake that many make to believe that the more physically beautiful a man or woman is, the more satisfying the sex will be. What is inside a person is far more important than the outside (1 Pet 3:3-4). Remember that sexual intimacy is the physical expression of a spiritual union. It is the bond (i.e., the relationship) between the husband and wife that largely determines how fulfilling the sexual experience will be. A relationship based solely or primarily on physical attraction is doomed …. as familiarity sets in, or physical appearance inevitably deteriorates with age, the relationship and its’ corresponding sexual expression will corrode and may even cease altogether.

Misconception #6) Technique and experience determine the ultimate quality of a sexual experience
A sexual experience with an experienced prostitute may be exciting, but it ultimately will neither fulfill nor satisfy. While a sexual experience can and certainly should be exciting, it is the ultimately the ability of a sexual experience to fulfill that finally determines its’ quality. In contrast to prevailing secular wisdom which encourages sexual experimentation before marriage in order to “gain experience” so as to be better “prepared” for marriage, the Bible affirms sexual purity as important before, after and during marriage (Heb 13:4). In fact some of the most exquisite and satisfying sex can potentially be between two inexperienced virgins who are seeking to express their physical love for one another in a sacrificial, giving manner. (Note: having said this, it must also be acknowledged that some basic comprehension of physical anatomy and response is helpful, particularly for young engaged couples – there are several excellent resources currently on the market written from the Biblical perspective for engaged couples.)

Misconception #7) The emphasis is on receiving pleasure (i.e., “What’s in it for me?”)
Tthis misconception appears to be more common among men, rather than women. Of course, sex can and should be an intensely pleasurable experience for both the man and the woman. But each partner should enter into the experience with a sacrificial, giving attitude that focuses on giving pleasure to the partner. The primary goal, in other words, for both the husband and the wife should be to satisfy each other, not oneself. The Bible clearly teaches we have the responsibility to seek the well-being and pleasure of others in accordance with the example of sacrifice that Christ gives us by His life (Rom 15:2-3; 1 Cor 10:24.) Correspondingly, both husband and wife should approach the marital bed with the attitude of pleasing their partner … not oneself.

Misconception #8) Sex is the most important thing in a marriage
Sex is a wonderful gift from God to be enjoyed as He designed. But it is neither the most important thing in life nor in marriage. Jesus Christ and a living relationship with Him should be paramount both in the life of the individual and within the marriage and is, without dispute, the most important thing for the Christian (Matthew 10:37; Luke 14:26; 1 Cor 11:3). When sex becomes the most important thing in an individual’s life, it has superceded its’ God-ordained role and the potential then exists for real abuse – much as wine can dominate the life of the alcoholic, or food will dominate the life of a glutton, or money will dominate the life of the greedy. Scripture warns against us allowing our lives to be ruled by immorality (1 Cor 6:12-13). When sex becomes the most important thing in life or a marriage, it then becomes the “master” and the individual (or marriage) inevitably serves “it”, rather than the other way around.

Misconception #9th) Sex is not important to a marriage
At the other extreme, some improperly say that sex is irrelevant for a good marriage. While sex is clearly not the most important thing in marriage, neither can we say that it is of no importance. Scripture affirms the importance of sexual relations within marriage (1 Cor 7:3-5) – ironically, this passage is penned by Paul, a celibate, as instruction to married couples. An example is related by Daniel Wallace: “Several years ago when I worked in a machine shop I worked beside a man whose son was to be married soon. The young man and his bride-to-be were good Presbyterians and were going to get married in the church. The day before the wedding, this fellow lathe-operator told me that the wedding was off. I inquired why. He told me that the girl had just the night before announced that they were not going to have sex on the honeymoon. She intended to have sex only three times because she wanted to have only three children!”

Misconception #10) Sex is the result of the fall of man
More than a few Christians believe this, at least subconsciously, if not outright. They mistake the extreme intimacy of the act, confusing it with something that surely must be less-than-holy. (A personal experience of mine: Years ago, when I was buying lingerie in the mall, some of the high school youth group wondered by and the youth pastor greeted me. Some of the youth noticed me purchasing lingerie and the youth pastor told me one of young men later commented to him that the store was selling “dirty” things. Surprised, the youth pastor asked why lingerie should be considered dirty especially since I was buying it for my wife. Sadly, this young man was already beginning to think of anything relating to sex as somehow “dirty”.) In response to this misconception, it must be pointed out that God instituted sexual relations between the husband and wife before the Fall (Gen 1:28) and pronounced it along with everything else He created as “very good” (Gen 1:31). In contrast to immorality, when we engage in a God-sanctioned sexual experience with our spouse and become one through the act of sexual intercourse, we can actually glorify God through the experience (1 Cor 6:18-20)

God, thank you for the wonderful physical expression of love you give us in marriage between a husband and wife. Help me to cultivate a giving attitude.

Bob
Fides Quaerens Intellectum
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Bob Pratico
Fides Quaerens Intellectum
(my Sojourn blog)