Cole Brown wrestles with the theological meaning of sex and the practical implications for everyone (married, single and divorced) in this article entitled God Loves Sex and So Should You. He’s not afraid to tackle the tough issue of the sexuality of the single and divorced. I’ve reproduced the article in entirety in case the link goes down. Thanks Cole, for the food-for-thought and not being afraid to wrestle with some difficult questions …

Bob
Fides Quaerens Intellectum

God Loves Sex and So Should You
by Cole Brown
Feb 11, 2007

Introduction

Everybody loves to talk about sex. It’s the topic of choice in the movies we go to, the television shows we watch, the magazines we read, the schools we attend, the office we work at, the political policies we debate, the conversations we have with our friends over coffee or over the phone. Everyone is talking about sex! Everyone except, in many cases, the Church. And this is odd. Because God loves sex…and so should the Church…so should you. Contrary to what you may have heard in some circles, the fact that we talk about sex so much is not the problem. The problem is how we talk about sex. My generation talks more about sex and gets more information about sex than any generation that has come before us. But with all of the conversations we have and all of the information we have we still don’t really understand sex. The truth is that whether we are married or single, virgin or experienced, we need to re-learn sex. We need to re-learn sex so that we can continue to talk about it, but talk about it properly. For this to happen we have to learn to look at sex through the lens of the gospel of Jesus Christ. So whether you are single, or engaged, or married, or divorced I ask that you join me today as we try to take a look at sex through the lens of the gospel.

Sex: for God’s Glory and Man’s Pleasure

If we want to talk about sex in light of the gospel we have to start where the gospel starts. We have to start in the beginning. We have to start in the Garden of Eden where Adam and Eve lived in right relationship with God, and each other, and all of creation. It was in this environment that God created sex. We read about this in the first two chapters of the Book of Genesis where God looks at all that he has created, including sex, and declares that it is very good. Adam (the first man) and Eve (the first woman) were created by God in his image. In his wisdom God created them as both spiritual and physical, as relational and sexual. God united them together spiritually and relationally as well as physically and sexually. And this unity was so intimate and their relationship so perfect that they walked together, in the presence of God, completely naked, and yet without a hint of shame. They were naked before each other and naked before God because they were in proper relationship with God and with each other. God created them and God created sex for them. And he said that it was very good.

But it wouldn’t be long before what God had created as very good would be tainted by evil. Adam made a conscious choice to rebel against God, who created him. And this human rebellion against God (what the Bible calls sin) had disastrous consequences primarily seen in our relationships. Because of sin human beings have fallen from a right relationship with God, and with each other, and with creation itself. This was immediately clear to Adam and Eve. They used to walk together in the garden naked and unashamed. But after their rebellion, they covered their nakedness in shame. They used to walk openly and joyfully in the presence of God. But after their rebellion, they hid from him guilt. Sin immediately infected every human relationship and every aspect of human life: moral, spiritual, mental, volitional, relational, physical, and sexual.

So what does this mean for sex? If we look at creation and life in the Garden of Eden in Genesis 1 and 2 we see that sex is very good. But if we look at the fall of man in Genesis 3 we see that sex, like everything else, has been tainted by sin. So are we to look at sex as very good, as it was before the fall? Or as very distorted, as all things have become since the fall? Yes. Sex is both very good and very distorted. Because sex itself is amoral. When I say that sex is amoral I mean that it is neither moral nor immoral, right nor wrong. In this way it is much like our appetite for food. God created human appetite as good, but even our appetite has been distorted. Yet appetite is neither moral nor immoral. The appetite for food, like the appetite for sex, is natural. Natural things can be good but they cannot be moral or immoral. How we act on these natural appetites for food and sex is what makes them moral or immoral, sinful or righteous. When we eat to the glory of God the natural act of eating becomes a holy act. Likewise, when we express our sexuality to the glory of God our sexuality becomes holy. When we have sex for our own glory sex becomes sin. But when we have sex to the glory of God the sexual act itself becomes a holy act.

The gospel of Christ is about the glory of God. So to see sex through the lens of the gospel is to see it as something through which we bring glory to God. Some of us have been so conditioned by our church or by our culture that that sentence sounded like crazy-talk. So I’ll say it again. To see sex through the lens of the gospel is to see it as something through which we bring glory to God. Yes, God is glorified through true sex. If we want to glorify God with our sexuality we have to start by submitting our sexuality to his authority. Because God created you, your sexuality, and sex, God is the ultimate authority over your sexuality and how you express it. And we can see how God intends for our sexuality to be expressed by returning to our discussion of the beginning.

In the Garden God created sex as something to be shared between Adam and Eve, as husband and wife. After God presents Eve to Adam the author of Genesis writes, “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Their marriage and their sexual union were not seen as two separate and distinct things, they were seen as two aspects of one union. Sex was to be a physical expression of their spiritual union. As the two became one flesh in spirit through the covenant of marriage they also became one flesh as Adam entered Eve and united with her sexually. God created sex and marriage to co-exist as two aspects of the most intimate of human unions. Neither one is intended to function without the other. A marriage without sex is not a true marriage and sex apart from marriage is not true sex. It is counterfeit sex. It looks like the real thing but it is not the real thing.

When marriage and sex exist together, as God created them to be, God is glorified. Because it is there and only there that true sex exists and its true purpose and beauty are revealed. To illuminate the beauty of true sex I want to briefly compare this true sex within marriage to the counterfeit sex experienced outside of marriage.

In our culture, sex outside of marriage is seen as means of achieving intimacy. Two unmarried people who care about each other have sex in hopes of developing intimacy. But sex was not created as a way of achieving intimacy. It was created as the result of true intimacy. In marriage two people give all of themselves to the other. They expose all of who they are to each other. They become united in their purpose, one in spirit. As a result of that deepest of intimacies they enjoy sex as an expression of the intimacy they already share. This is true sex.

In our culture, sex outside of marriage is seen as something shared between two people who care about each other. It is seen as an expression of their feelings for one another. But sex was not created to simply express feelings, it was created to express commitment. In marriage two people covenant with each other to be wholly devoted to one another and no one else for all time – regardless of what hardships, challenges, or pain may surround the relationship or enter into the relationship. The sex act itself is a picture of this undying commitment as the woman opens herself in submission to the man, the man gives himself to the woman, and the two become one flesh You cannot tell where the body of one ends and the body of the other begins. It is a physical expression of an unbreakable commitment. This is true sex.

In our culture, sex outside of marriage often results in children (planned or unplanned) born outside of the marriage covenant. But sex was not created to produce children outside of an unbreakable covenant relationship between a man and a woman. True sex was created to allow godly men and women to reproduce themselves by birthing and raising godly children together. In marriage two mutually committed adults birth children and then together devote themselves to training these children to know God and worship God with their lives. Their marriage serves as a place of security and strength for the child. It serves as an example of commitment, intimacy, self-sacrifice, service, and submission. This is true sex.

In our culture, sex outside of marriage is often pursued as a means to experience pleasure. But sex was not created as an isolated act through which we seek our own pleasure. Sex was created to be expressed by two people in a marriage covenant who are not seeking their own pleasure, but mutual pleasure. Let me be very clear that in marriage sex is pleasurable. Sex is extremely pleasurable by design. If you have trouble believing that let me point you to the female anatomy. The female clitoris is evidence of this. It serves no other function than to bring sexual pleasure. But remember that sex was created as a response to unconditional commitment and a response to the greatest of intimacy. As a response to unconditional commitment married people are to pursue sex not for their own pleasure but for mutual pleasure. As a response to intimacy I believe God created sex so pleasurable so that we would associate the most intense of physical pleasure with the most intense of relational intimacy. In marriage then the pursuit of sex is not motivated by hormones but by relationship. This makes the sex act incredibly significant as husband and wife submit to one another in total vulnerability that they might both experience physical pleasure and enhanced intimacy. And this is something that they will never share with another human being. Ever.

True sex glorifies God. When a man and a woman give themselves to one another in total trust, when they submit to one another in the unbreakable commitment of marriage, when they submit to Jesus Christ’s Lordship over their union, and when they share all of themselves with the other – spiritually, relationally, physically, and sexually – God is glorified. This is true sex. God-glorifying sex. Sex in light of the Gospel and under the Lordship of Jesus Christ.

Sex: for God’s Glory and Man’s Knowledge of God

Whether you’re married or single you have to re-learn sex in this context. You have to re-learn in light of the gospel. It is important that we can see sex in this light and talk about sex in this light even if we are not married or will never be married. Because whether we are sexually active or not we will always be sexual beings. Every one of us in this room has to re-learn sex so that we can properly express our sexuality, whether married, single or divorced. Before we talk about the specifics of how to express our sexuality properly outside of marriage we need to lay a little more groundwork on the theology of sex.

We said earlier that sex for God’s glory is sex as a physical expression of a spiritual union and for the the mutual pleasure of husband and wife. But sex is not just about men and women finding pleasure in each other. It is also about men and women finding pleasure in God. Sex helps us to know God. That may sound strange to some of you. Let me be clear that I am not saying that any sort of intercourse occurs between God and man. That is a pagan idea, not a Christian one. What I am saying is that the Bible uses sexual language to describe our relationship with God.

There are many places we can turn to illustrate this but for the sake of time let us focus on the book of Hosea. Through Hosea God speaks to his people. He uses sexual images of marriage, adultery, nakedness, and intercourse to describe his relationship with his people. He is angry with Israel because they have strayed from YHWH, the true God, and began to worship false gods. He says this about them in Hosea 2:1-13. God compares his relationship to his people to an intimate and mutually pleasurable sexual relationship. He is hot with anger because his people have strayed from faithfulness to him and have shared their nakedness and their sexuality with others. For this he calls his people an adulteress, a prostitute! This is very vivid language that God uses to communicate judgment for his people’s unfaithfulness to their intimacy with God. But God does not only use sexual language to condemn them for their whoredom, he uses sexual language to speak of how he will restore them. Let’s read Hosea 2:14-20. Despite the sin of his people God promises to restore them. In verse 14 he says that he will “allure her,” this literally means that he will seduce her. He will allure her back to her first love, God, her husband. In the next few verses he paints a beautiful picture of how he will take his unfaithful wife back. And then, in verse 20, he says “I will betroth you in faithfulness and you will know the Lord.” You will know the Lord. Again, this is overtly sexual language. This is the same word that was used about the sexual union between Adam and Eve. The Bible says that Adam knew Eve. In describing Mary’s virgin conception the Bible says that Joseph did not know Mary until she had given birth. To be in proper relationship with God is to be united with him in intense pleasure and to know him and be known by him with the deepest intimacy. In this way our union with Christ is like the sexual union between husband and wife. This is why God uses sexual language to describe his relationship with his people.

And you do not have to be married to understand the beauty and power of sex and how it points to God. We are all sexual beings with sexual passions and cravings. The desire for this intimacy and ecstasy points us toward knowing God and knowing each other if we respond properly. Because the ultimate fulfillment of the intimacy and ecstasy we desire is not found in sexual intercourse as we know it but in union with God through Christ. The pleasures that we associate with sex find their ultimate fulfillment in knowing God as he wants us to know him. This is why Jesus tells us in Matthew 22 that we will neither marry nor be given in marriage when we are resurrected to live on the new earth. We will not need to. Because we will then experience the union that sex and marriage are only a small picture of – perfect and unhindered union with Christ our Lord whom we will see face to face. This is how we must re-learn sex. We must re-learn sex through the lens of the gospel.

Sex: for God’s Glory in Marriage and Singleness

Again, whether we are married or single we have to re-learn sex in this light. We have to re-learn sex in light of the gospel and the Lordship of Christ. Then and only then will we be able to express our sexuality properly. If we are married we ought to evaluate our marriage relationship. You may be having “guilt-free” sex. But are you having true sex. Are you having sex to the glory of God. Is sex for you a joyous celebration of your intimate union with your spouse? Is it firstly relational and secondly physical? Are you each submitting yourselves and your wills to one another for the pleasure of the other? Are you honestly and openly trusting your whole self to your spouse? And do you involve God and the pursuit of God in your sexuality? If you are single are you seeing sex through the lens of the gospel? Are you submitting your desires to the Lordship of Christ?

This is a tough topic for everyone but I think it is especially tough for singles. In many ways the Church has failed to realistically deal with your sexuality and your desires. ReShawn and I were talking with a single friend this past week. She shared with us that she feels in some sense like the church ignores single people. Sermons, and sermon illustrations, and the church’s ministries tend to be focused on married adults and families. Singleness is not often addressed. When single people in the Church give voice to their struggles they are so often given the same pat answers. “Wait. Just wait until you’re married. Devote yourself to prayer and Bible study. Prepare for your spouse to come so that you can enjoy sex in marriage. It will mean so much more if you wait for your spouse.” Have any of you been given this advice? There are several problems with that type of answer. But the chief issue is that it is looking at sex as a purely human act rather than through the lens of Christ and his gospel. First, it is moralistic because it doesn’t provide the proper motivation to abstain from sex nor does it provide the strength needed to abstain from sex. It relies solely on human will-power, which will always fail. Second, it is humanistic because the motivation and the reward are always centered on the spouse to come. “Wait because you want to be pure for your spouse,” “Wait because the type of spouse you want will be attracted to your purity.” Third, it is presumptuous because the truth is if we wait for our spouse some of us will be waiting forever. Not everyone who wants to get married gets married. The Church has made so many mistakes in this area. We put marriage up here as if it (and not Jesus) is the thing that every single person should be aiming for. We seem to communicate that if you just do your part right you will get married. We never acknowledge the fact that Jesus actually calls some people to a life of singleness and celibacy. And when we do acknowledge it we lie about it. I have actually heard Christians say the following, “If you’re called to celibacy you will know it. If you desire to be married or to have sex then you are not called to celibacy.” Really? So if I’m tempted to sin does that mean I’m not called to be holy? If I desire to be with other women does that mean I’m not called to be faithful to my wife? What I’m saying is that we should be careful not to speak of sex in terms of waiting. This is not helpful to the single person. We must speak of sex in terms of the gospel and help single people learn to express their sexuality in light of that.

This means that contrary to popular belief, repression is not the answer. Single people are sexual beings with sexual cravings. They cannot simply be told to repress those desires. Repression is ineffective because it tends to actually stimulate the very thing it is trying to repress. And repression is abnormal because God purposefully created us as sexual beings. If you are single you should not repress your sexuality or your sexual desires. You should redirect them. You should redirect your sexuality and your sexual desires away from the act itself and toward what the act fulfills. Your sexuality and your cravings for sex are really not just about sex. They are not purely biological. They are physical, but they are also spiritual and they are relational. In a very real sense you crave and desire sex because you crave and desire the intimacy and relational union that accompanies true sex. Some of you hear that and immediately you know it is true. Others of you hear that and don’t buy it because your cravings feel totally physical. But remember we have to re-learn the way we have been conditioned to think about sex. The cravings are not purely physical. Nothing that you do or think or say or feel is purely physical because you are not a purely physical being. You are both body and spirit united and working together. You have never done a purely physical act and you have never done a purely spiritual act. Your sexuality is no different. Your craving are both physical and spiritual and you must redirect your desires toward the relational.

As you feel these sexual impulses the answer is not to act on them improperly and it is not to repress them. The answer is to redirect them. Allow these impulses and these desires for sexual union to motivate you to pursue relational union and true intimacy with other people and with Christ. As you notice these desires rising within you remind yourself that these cravings are not just about a physical act but about intimate, relational, union. Then respond to these desires by allowing them to motivate you to pursue intimate relational union with other people and with Jesus Christ. As this craving for intimacy is fulfilled in unity with other people and with Jesus you will find that the cravings themselves begin to lose their power to rule over you. That’s not to say that it will be easy for you, of course. It will not. So you will also have to redirect your sexual desires toward God-reliance. As your passions enflame allow them to launch you toward God in prayer and dependence. You do not want to yield to them and you do not want to repress them. You want to acknowledge them and redirect them toward a humble dependence on God rather than a dependence on sex or self.

Conclusion

Single or married we all have to re-learn sex in light of the gospel. We have to see sex and our sexuality as primarily about glorifying and knowing God. If we are married we must see sex with our spouse as a means to knowing and glorifying God. If we are single we have to see our sexuality and our desires as an opportunity to know and glorify God. That is what marriage is about. That is what singleness is about. That is what sex is about. They are equally about knowing and glorifying God. When you treat marriage, singleness, or sex as anything less than that then you are not experiencing true marriage, true singleness or true sex. You are experiencing the effects of sin, rebellion, and the fall of man. You are experiencing the effects of broken relationships between man and God, man and man, man and all of creation.

The message of Scripture is that Jesus and Jesus alone is able to restore us to proper relationship with God, each other, and creation because Jesus and Jesus alone has lived every moment of his existence in proper relationship with each of these. Sex and our relationships with the opposite sex are among the things that Jesus came to redeem. So for us to know true sex, true sexuality, true singleness and true marriage we must first know Christ. Knowing Christ restores these things and it puts everything in proper perspective. When we know Christ as the fulfillment of all we desire we do not yield to our sexual cravings as though sex were the ultimate pleasure. Because we know Christ we see sex in proper perspective and recognize that there is no greater pleasure than being intimately united with Christ. We experience this unity today by faith and will one day experience this unity without hindrance when we see him face to face as he is. Knowing Christ also empowers us to suffer until that day. Married or single we will face difficult times as our sexual desires are not immediately fulfilled. But Christ suffers with us in this as in all of our suffering. Because Christ suffers with us and empowers us to suffer we are empowered to love Jesus and other people in purity – even when it hurts.

This is sex in light of the gospel. And as with all applications of the gospel it is to be lived out in community. Our culture tells us that sex is private and that it is nobody’s business. A gospel-influenced view of sex will not allow for this because the gospel always forms itself in community. As a community of believers we must be willing to share our sexuality in our marriages and in our singleness with one another. This does not mean that we need to engage in locker-room talk with one another. It does not mean that we need to communicate in graphic detail. It does mean that we need to walk with each other through the journeys of singleness and marriage. This is how we learn to live out our sexuality for the glory of Christ. It does mean that we need to open up our dating, our singleness, and our marriages to one another and allow the community to help shape our sexuality and its expression in light of the gospel.
__________________________
Bob Pratico
Fides Quaerens Intellectum
(my Sojourn blog)